dd/mm/yy
smoking weed for the first time (gone wrong)
23/12/24
so a little while ago (this occured on the 6th this month) i did something i usually wouldnt do ever. this something is insane hardcore drugs (100% a joke btw) but yeah me and my friend (calling her cc) slept over at our friend's (calling him alex) house and i smoked weed for the first time which was a bit eeeeehhehfhfehsduhj but whatever. alex had his homemade bong i think it was a gatorade bottle or something and we went into his backyard around 11 or 12. i had given him $15 earlier in the week to contribute since he has older friends who smoke a lot and gives some to him for really cheap. he also had some powder stuff thats meant to make it stronger but i didnt really care about that since i wasnt gonna have any (first time and stuffs). but yeah cc went first, she also had some of the powder stuff so it was obvious when she was starting to feel it because she just started giggling uncontrollably (we were struggling to keep her quiet lol). but yeah then alex went, nothing out of the ordinary for him since he's lowkey a fiend and smokes quite a bit. then it was my turn, i kinda didnt know what i was doing and if i was with anyone else i wouldve been hella embarrassed but we all chill with each other so no judgement. i only had one cone at that point, and by the time alex had smoked another and was packing cc a second one i felt nothing so i had it instead (she definitely did not need any more lol). we then got up to go inside and while i was walking everything just hit me all at once. like a massive truck or something idk. i barely made it through the window my limbs were all floaty and every movement felt delayed, like i was inputting a command that was excecuted 3 seconds later. i was already shivering since it was cold and windy outside, but even when i wrapped myself in blankets i just kept shivering for what felt like half an hour? it couldve been less but i cant be sure.
i was laying down in alex's bed with a blanket wrapped around every inch of my body like a burrito and i was shivering a looot i hated how it felt with the delayed effect that i was already feeling through my body. alex put on dark side of the moon by pink floyd and got me a glass of water and told me to "take deep breaths and try to relax" which was odd coming from him, i didnt really expect him to know how to or try to help me (that was usually cc's job since we are closer). she was a massive help though, drawing circles on my hand to keep my grounded since by this point i was feeling very panicked and anxious probably since i felt so out of control of my body. i remember hearing alex asking whats happening and cc saying "i think hes having an anxious reaction" or something like that. it just felt like i was being pulled out of my body and i didnt really like that feeling. eventually i calmed down (around the great gig in the sky i think) and played some guitar, layed down, talked a bit then went to bed. overall i guess it wasnt that great, and even though i felt fine later in the night i just dont think the feeling i had before that made it worth it. and since i had barely eaten in general and woke up really early, i was still high basically all throughout the day after. family didnt realise though so i guess its fine.
i think if i were to smoke again i should be fine since i now know what it feels like and i know what to expect. being high kind of removed all the barriers i had kept up and broke me down to what i was without all of the concious desisions i make throughout my life in order to appear a certain way in front of people. my voice kept going up to it's natural pitch and i couldnt focus hard enough on it to keep it down. when i watch back on videos of myself, i was smiling with my teeth out, which always always supress but i didnt even realise at the time that i wasnt keeping my lips closed. i wasnt constantly adjusting my hair or making sure my shirt covered any straps. it was internal too, which is what freaked me out so much to begin with. all the dysphoria and thoughts i had been supressing and avoiding thinking about, like my eating problems or issues with needing to always be in control just hit me at the same time and i couldnt hold them back. i hated the feeling at the time, but i also wouldve never admitted to having those problems to anyone before that, so i guess thats one thing. im probably gonna try weed again, maybe just a bit less and take care of myself a bit more so that i dont tweak out again lol.
i think i like a boy
19/11/24
bit of a different thought. there a boy that i know, someone ive known for a very long time but have only been close with over a fluctuating period of time. we used to be really close around last uear, but we havent really spoken like we used to in a while. i think it happened because he dated my best friend and would only talk to me about her, so when i told him he was only talking to me for her, he apologised but stopped talking to me entirely. hes such a genuine and nice person, but also was struggling with really bad anxiety at the time. not sure how bad it is nowadays but he seems a lot happier and comfortable with himself recently.
and the issue. i think i like him a little bit more than i should. weve started talking a bit more and we play in a band for music class in school so im around him a bit more than i used to be. sometimes we'll just look at each other while we play (mostly to prove that we can play without looking) and just stare. literally have no idea why he started doing this but its kinda funny. sometimes he'll smile a little bit which recently has begun make me a little bit flustered. and he always gets different haircuts constantly and the one he has now looks really good like this guy is just so fucking beautiful sometimes its not even funny.
the thing is that theres always an issue with me having crushes, big or small. the last guy i liked did infact like me back but didnt say it in time, so by the time it was brought up i had already overthunk it and had to turn him away. and now hes just a complete dick to me so that didnt really end quite well. but the issue with any relationship i have is that people depend on the physical aspects a lot of the time, and i might be asexual. and im also a tranny so i have to worry about the whole do they see me as their boyfriend or just a girl that dresses funny. worried a straight person would fall for me because even if i liked them itd be way too painful to do anything about. but with this guy. hes never said that he is straight, and every time i ask if hes bi or queer in some way he just kinda dances around the topic in a way that tells me not to push it anymore. and hes only dated girls in the past, so if he had to come out and say that i was his boyfriend his friends would probably think hes getting with me because im just a girl that looks a bit different. like if he came out as gay but the first guy he dates is a trans guy. type shit
im not really too worried about this because this crush isnt massive i can 100% ignore it until it goes away. for my and his sake i really fucking hope it goes away.
venting (not a vent)
06/10/24
quite a bit ago i made a blog post on my spacehey about how venting online publically helps no one and could make unsuspecting people feel worse, and how i hated people who posted those depressing instagram reels and the people who bombard others with reposts and shares of those videos, effectively creating a cycle. the algorithm dumping more depressing tiktoks and reels on the feeds of depressed people and yada yada. i guess i still have a problem with it but thats extremely hypocritical of me, seeing as the main contents of this blog and other stuff on my webspace is being just that. a venting outlet. i somehow feel like its different, like this site is never going to reach anyone anyways so why would i need to safeguard my feelings? and people can choose to leave, this isnt some 30 second video to quickly grab your attention, its a book, a documentary and an insight to the person who i struggle to be infront of people irl. i dont know, maybe im just a hypocritical self-centred person for doing this. i should make an email.
massive psychic wound
05/10/24
i'm lying to everyone. i hate everyone and i hate myself right now. i wish there was a place where i could sit and cry with an unbound chest, scream and scream ripping at my skin because its so wrong. im not ugly i just wasnt made right and i hate it because my body is healthy and didnt deserve the harm i dealt to it so long ago. but now i cant do that so i have nothing my feelings just spill over the edge because im yet to find a proper outlet, only distractions. things for my hands and legs to do, content to consume to distract from the building pressure in my chest just waiting for the smallest incision to make it explode
ill probably delete this later but i might forget so i dont know
i kinda just wanna reach someone
27/09/24
my one goal in life, regardless of what job i end up in, or what studies i take, or who i meet and what i do, is i eventually want to make something that means something to people. or person, i dont know. i want to create, not for myself but for someone else, maybe to help them feel seen or heard or understood. i have posters of bands and books and artwork on my walls, most by people who inspire me or had some kind of effect on me, i have a corkboard where i stick up things that i find or things that get given to me. i appreciate the art and the work put into everything that is created, even if i dont personally enjoy it i can still understand that someone went out of their way to make it. so when is it time for someone to appreciate mine? im not saying that everyone says im shit at what i do, its actually the opposite. everyone says that the art i make and the things i create is "crazy good, i could never do that" which im not complaining about, its just no ones ever really said "your art speaks to me". or "this helped me discover who i am". which are pretty massive statements, but thats my goal in the things i do.
a friend once sent me a video of him playing the guitar, i dont know if it was an actual song or just random chords, but it was honestly just so beautiful. i also play guitar, and what he played wasnt particularly difficult, but i had almost an emotional reaction to listening to that 30-something second clip of his ceiling as he played. im probably being dramatic, or wishing for too much, but i struggle with getting my work out there sometimes, since people will kinda just tell me its good and that im good, rather than how the work made them feel.
but maybe im not trying hard enough. ill just keep on yelling and yelling into a digital space that no one cares about yet until i reach someone, i guess.
