dd/mm/yy
i think i like a boy
19/11/24
bit of a different thought. there a boy that i know, someone ive known for a very long time but have only been close with over a fluctuating period of time. we used to be really close around last uear, but we havent really spoken like we used to in a while. i think it happened because he dated my best friend and would only talk to me about her, so when i told him he was only talking to me for her, he apologised but stopped talking to me entirely. hes such a genuine and nice person, but also was struggling with really bad anxiety at the time. not sure how bad it is nowadays but he seems a lot happier and comfortable with himself recently.
and the issue. i think i like him a little bit more than i should. weve started talking a bit more and we play in a band for music class in school so im around him a bit more than i used to be. sometimes we'll just look at each other while we play (mostly to prove that we can play without looking) and just stare. literally have no idea why he started doing this but its kinda funny. sometimes he'll smile a little bit which recently has begun make me a little bit flustered. and he always gets different haircuts constantly and the one he has now looks really good like this guy is just so fucking beautiful sometimes its not even funny.
the thing is that theres always an issue with me having crushes, big or small. the last guy i liked did infact like me back but didnt say it in time, so by the time it was brought up i had already overthunk it and had to turn him away. and now hes just a complete dick to me so that didnt really end quite well. but the issue with any relationship i have is that people depend on the physical aspects a lot of the time, and i might be asexual. and im also a tranny so i have to worry about the whole do they see me as their boyfriend or just a girl that dresses funny. worried a straight person would fall for me because even if i liked them itd be way too painful to do anything about. but with this guy. hes never said that he is straight, and every time i ask if hes bi or queer in some way he just kinda dances around the topic in a way that tells me not to push it anymore. and hes only dated girls in the past, so if he had to come out and say that i was his boyfriend his friends would probably think hes getting with me because im just a girl that looks a bit different. like if he came out as gay but the first guy he dates is a trans guy. type shit
im not really too worried about this because this crush isnt massive i can 100% ignore it until it goes away. for my and his sake i really fucking hope it goes away.
venting (not a vent)
06/10/24
quite a bit ago i made a blog post on my spacehey about how venting online publically helps no one and could make unsuspecting people feel worse, and how i hated people who posted those depressing instagram reels and the people who bombard others with reposts and shares of those videos, effectively creating a cycle. the algorithm dumping more depressing tiktoks and reels on the feeds of depressed people and yada yada. i guess i still have a problem with it but thats extremely hypocritical of me, seeing as the main contents of this blog and other stuff on my webspace is being just that. a venting outlet. i somehow feel like its different, like this site is never going to reach anyone anyways so why would i need to safeguard my feelings? and people can choose to leave, this isnt some 30 second video to quickly grab your attention, its a book, a documentary and an insight to the person who i struggle to be infront of people irl. i dont know, maybe im just a hypocritical self-centred person for doing this. i should make an email.
massive psychic wound
05/10/24
i'm lying to everyone. i hate everyone and i hate myself right now. i wish there was a place where i could sit and cry with an unbound chest, scream and scream ripping at my skin because its so wrong. im not ugly i just wasnt made right and i hate it because my body is healthy and didnt deserve the harm i dealt to it so long ago. but now i cant do that so i have nothing my feelings just spill over the edge because im yet to find a proper outlet, only distractions. things for my hands and legs to do, content to consume to distract from the building pressure in my chest just waiting for the smallest incision to make it explode
ill probably delete this later but i might forget so i dont know
i kinda just wanna reach someone
27/09/24
my one goal in life, regardless of what job i end up in, or what studies i take, or who i meet and what i do, is i eventually want to make something that means something to people. or person, i dont know. i want to create, not for myself but for someone else, maybe to help them feel seen or heard or understood. i have posters of bands and books and artwork on my walls, most by people who inspire me or had some kind of effect on me, i have a corkboard where i stick up things that i find or things that get given to me. i appreciate the art and the work put into everything that is created, even if i dont personally enjoy it i can still understand that someone went out of their way to make it. so when is it time for someone to appreciate mine? im not saying that everyone says im shit at what i do, its actually the opposite. everyone says that the art i make and the things i create is "crazy good, i could never do that" which im not complaining about, its just no ones ever really said "your art speaks to me". or "this helped me discover who i am". which are pretty massive statements, but thats my goal in the things i do.
a friend once sent me a video of him playing the guitar, i dont know if it was an actual song or just random chords, but it was honestly just so beautiful. i also play guitar, and what he played wasnt particularly difficult, but i had almost an emotional reaction to listening to that 30-something second clip of his ceiling as he played. im probably being dramatic, or wishing for too much, but i struggle with getting my work out there sometimes, since people will kinda just tell me its good and that im good, rather than how the work made them feel.
but maybe im not trying hard enough. ill just keep on yelling and yelling into a digital space that no one cares about yet until i reach someone, i guess.
