22/04/24
My tea burns like acid in my stomach. I consider doing something rash, like pouring it down through drain to break my everyday cycle, or cut myself. I guess that's it for the tea, then.
My tea burns like acid in my stomach. I consider doing something rash, like pouring it down through drain to break my everyday cycle, or cut myself. I guess that's it for the tea, then.
29/08/24
Honestly when I'm feeling empty of creativity bike rides are really the only thing that somewhat recreate the feeling of doing something creative. Running out of breath reminds me that I'm breathing.
Honestly when I'm feeling empty of creativity bike rides are really the only thing that somewhat recreate the feeling of doing something creative. Running out of breath reminds me that I'm breathing.
I am doing horribly today. And I will probably relapse tonight. But it's okay, I'm expecting it to happen and so it probably won't
affect me too bad. I think I am getting depressed again though and I am so close to giving in. But again it's okay. A really big
factor right now is []. I hate this whole situation because he is kinda just another []. Which I hate hate hate to say, but these
feelings and this situation is far too familiar to ignore. I really like [] a lot, and I’m terrified I am falling for him because
he is straight, regardless of what anyone might say. But he has feelings for me. So go figure I guess. A very large part of me wants
to ignore everything bad about this situation and pursue him anyway, but a tiny, growing part of me needs to have some sort of self
respect and call it off. this growth was mostly sparked by him saying he was just “experimenting”. He said it offhandedly, and probably
doesn’t remember saying it, and if he does then I doubt he thinks that I caught it. But that really really hurt. Because I’m not just an
experiment, I am a person and I have feelings and a heart and a brain. I am more than my identity and my body, I am a soul and a human.
I think a lot of people [specifically “straight” cis guys] consider me to be an “easy” person to mess around with and explore their feelings
and queerness, because I am an openly bisexual person and a transgender. Because if anyone questions it, they can always just said that
it wasn’t reciprocated and I was just chasing them and that they kept saying no, or that its technically not homosexual because of my
biological sex. So I don’t know that comment really hurt. And I can’t keep settling for less just because I feel like that’s what I deserve.
Because I KNOW that I deserve more, and I AM more than how I get treated, but I still chase certain people because I keep praying that it’ll
be different. It never is. I think when I see [] next I will give him an ultimatum, because it has finally gotten to the point where this is
hurting me more than it is making me happy. I honestly just really wish I was easier to love.
28/08/24
I'm feeling a lot right now. Time is moving so fast, it's nearly the end of the year. I don't remember a lot, I don't remember coming out or being friends with [] or dating []. I remember smells and feelings but not the stuff that actually happened. I also feel like going on a bike ride and sitting somewhere quiet to write. But we live in the suburbs so I don't know anything. My ribs ache and I can't breathe properly, but I can't take my binder off. I'm starting to not like her but she's all I've got. I want to create. I want to mean something and make people feel. I want to create new feelings and help people feel seen, make something that touches someone in the way that I never was. My chest hurts. A lot I don't know what to do.
I'm feeling a lot right now. Time is moving so fast, it's nearly the end of the year. I don't remember a lot, I don't remember coming out or being friends with [] or dating []. I remember smells and feelings but not the stuff that actually happened. I also feel like going on a bike ride and sitting somewhere quiet to write. But we live in the suburbs so I don't know anything. My ribs ache and I can't breathe properly, but I can't take my binder off. I'm starting to not like her but she's all I've got. I want to create. I want to mean something and make people feel. I want to create new feelings and help people feel seen, make something that touches someone in the way that I never was. My chest hurts. A lot I don't know what to do.
02/07/25
"bars from my notes app from 11/06/25"
in a vacuum I probably wouldn't be bothered by the things I am bothered by currently, most of my issues with gender come from how other people percieve me, refer to me, view me romantically/sexually etc. therefore I think that if I could spend maybe an entire month in complete solitude, I would be able to unpack and resolve quite a lot of my issues, and learn how to deal with my body dysphoria (or atleast understand it better). I keep trying to ignore the fact that most of my dysphoria is social, since that face always makes me feel "less" trans. I'm not 100% sure if you can transition if you only feel social dysphoria, which is why I'm worried I'm somehow lying to myself.
"bars from my notes app from 11/06/25"
in a vacuum I probably wouldn't be bothered by the things I am bothered by currently, most of my issues with gender come from how other people percieve me, refer to me, view me romantically/sexually etc. therefore I think that if I could spend maybe an entire month in complete solitude, I would be able to unpack and resolve quite a lot of my issues, and learn how to deal with my body dysphoria (or atleast understand it better). I keep trying to ignore the fact that most of my dysphoria is social, since that face always makes me feel "less" trans. I'm not 100% sure if you can transition if you only feel social dysphoria, which is why I'm worried I'm somehow lying to myself.